30 On... (Co)Parenting

     I once received possibly the best advice in my entire life. The Dude and I were about to be married. We had met with our pastor for one of those 'pre-marriage counseling' deals. Within our discussion, the pastor went into a detailed story about a couple who were no longer happy in their relationship. There wasn't any major financial strain, no shift in personalities, no infidelity. Why were they miserable? Their problem, it seemed, was that they couldn't agree on how to load the dishwasher. Yep. That's it. Well.... kinda. The dishwasher, of course, was a manifestation (most likely one of many) of their deeper problem. They each wanted needed to be right. Too much focus was given to the details of the method that no attention was paid to the end result.

     The advice I took from that story was "be solution minded". Did the dishes get washed? Then it makes no matter that the spoons were together in one compartment, or the glasses were on the bottom rack instead of the top. We often hear this same advice as "pick your battles", but I believe it goes much further than that. Being solution minded opens the door for actual discussion when big issues arise (and you know that's inevitable). If both parties are used to seeking the end result, the way you get there becomes more malleable. This bit of advice has done wonders for our marriage.

     I've taken this concept into being parents, too. I'll never forget the first time I had to remind myself of this after D2 was born. He was about 2 1/2 months old. Tiny little thing. Because he was so small (and also because I was a new mom stress case) I tried very hard to keep him on a particular eating schedule. The doctors recommended he eat every three hours. Even if he was asleep, they suggested waking him to eat until he had gained a certain amount of weight.

     This particular evening, I had gone out for dinner with some coworkers. I had only been back to work a few weeks and we had some catching up to do. The Dude graciously picked D2 up from day care at about 5:30 pm.  I arrived home from my dinner about 9:00 pm. D2 was asleep in the car seat and the Dude was watching TV.  I was FURIOUS! How dare he leave my itsy-bitsy brand new baby in that restrictive car sear when he clearly needed a diaper change and to eat EVERY 3 HOURS? The Dude (the more rational one at the time) simply stated that the baby fell asleep on the way home and was resting so peacefully. He didn't want to disturb him.

    I went to work the next day still upset. I expected to tell my story and gets lots of empathy. Instead, I got a wake up call from a dear friend (and mother of three). I think our conversation went something like:

Her: Was the baby okay? 
Me: Well, yeah. 
Her: Then don't worry about it. You know, a lot of babies have to sleep in car seats due to acid reflux. 
Me: ...... true .... 

     What I had failed to see was that the Dude truly had the best interest of our child in mind when he made the conscious decision to let him sleep. Babies need to sleep to grow, as much as they need food to grow. And a doctor's advice is sometimes just that. A parent's intuition has to trump it on occasion.

     I've tried to keep this incident in the back of my mind. He may not have changed the baby the same way I did, but the baby got changed (and I didn't have to do it!!). Maybe we heated the bottle to slightly different temperatures, but the baby still ate. And now that our boys are getting older, we can have productive decisions about what we want for them. We always start by agreeing on an end-result and then figuring out how to get there.

     I've learned to trust his parental intentions. I know that everything he does is for them, and done with the same forethought and care that I put forth for them. I sometimes think it's harder for Mom's to get to that level of trust. We often hear so much about "motherly instinct" and "women's intuition" that people often assume we've got it all together, have all the answers.

     Truth is, when it comes to parenting anyway, neither one of us knows what we're doing. We're just fortunate enough to have each other as patient partners willing to figure it out together. And when the kids are grown and gone (too many years from now...) we will be a stronger, happier couple for it all.

30 on ... Staying Gold

"Nature's first green is gold, 

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower, 

But only so an hour. 

So leaf subsides to leaf, 

So Eden sank to grief.

As dawn goes down today,

Nothing Gold can stay." 

                         -Robert Frost

Anyone who truly knows me also knows that my all time favorite movie is "The Outsiders". This is not solely based on my life-long crush on Ralph Macchio I swear; I also love the book. One of the secondary themes in the story is "staying gold", which is first brought up by the above poem. Frost is basically saying when something is new (like the first green of spring) it's pure, precious, and innocent (like gold). But inevitably time surges on, things age and change and loose their luster. It's eloquently written and has a lot of truth to it, but is also somewhat depressing. 

It is inevitable that time marches on and we grow and change, often becoming jaded. We forget too quickly the innocence, the carefree nature of our youth. Life gets in the way, and all too often we get caught up in going through the motions to really appreciate the experiences we are having. It's easy to take ourselves too seriously. However, I believe we have some choice in Staying Gold. It's a conscious choice we have to make, and, like anything, some days are easier than others.

Here's my advice on Staying Gold. Maintain a sense of wonder and curiosity. As we age our bank of knowledge naturally grows, but if we stop asking questions life becomes dull. Staying gold means to sometimes take time to just be in the moment that's happening; don't always stress about what's scoming next. Allow yourself to be silly. Always have a dream; keep ambition in your heart to do something more. Never settle!! Once you've reached a goal, take time to celebrate the accomplishment, then set a new goal. Keep dreaming of things you want to do and actively work towards doing them. Even if you don't accomplish all of the things you want to do, the process of trying will be fulfilling enough to help keep your heart young and happy. Remember times of joy and happiness. And above all else, know that you are never defined by the sum of circumstances. Sometimes things just suck. And often we don't have a lot of control over those things. We always have control, however, to not allow those things to determine who we are or limit what we can do in life.

In the last verse of the theme song for the movie, Stevie Wonder sings "life is but the twinkling of an eye...". Don't let the twinkle fade out, and leave you sorrowful and dull. Stay Gold.

What does "stay gold" mean to you?

30 on ... Forgiveness

Forgiveness is such an intriguing concept to me. On the surface it seems relatively simple. Most people have a general idea of what the word means. I think the notion, though, is so much more dynamic than its common definition. Its meaning shifts and molds to the need of the person.

One repeated explanation I’ve heard (generally coming from a Dr. Drew or Oprah type) is that forgiveness is essential to letting go of painful or toxic emotions, and is almost solely for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving. It is NOT forgetting; it is NOT about assisting the other person clear their conscience or letting them ‘off the hook’. It IS a mechanism to allow you to move on with your life.

While I don’t entirely disagree, there are some fundamental differences in my definition of forgiveness. I do agree that it can help you move forward and let go of the past. But to me, forgiveness is about moving forward with more of a purpose; it says that your relationship with someone (past, present, and/or future) is worth more than their past transgressions. It IS intended to help absolve guilt that someone may harbor. Sometimes forgiveness comes as a byproduct of accepting your own responsibility in a situation. And, I believe, to be forgiven you have to show some sense of regret.

I have forgiven many people in my life, for small things and grand ones. I have forgiven both parents (for very different things) because being in my life, and my children’s lives, is much more important than anything they did or didn’t do in the past. I’ve forgiven a dear friend (and myself) for a falling out we had that caused some distance between us for a while because our history together is more valuable than one disagreement. The whole as our friendship is much more than one hiccup. I have even forgiven an ex- not because a current or future relationship depends on it, but because I have been able to assess the situation with some distance, accept my culpability, and realize reasons that we were both wrong.  All of this was for the sake of ‘moving on’ and/or strengthening my relationship with that person.

But not everyone is deserving of forgiveness. When I was young I was the victim of a series of traumatic events at the hands of one specific person. I will NEVER be able to forgive this person. Ever. The damage that was done is just far too great. He’s never been held accountable or shown an ounce of remorse. But even if he had, it wouldn’t matter. I do carry some resentment and even hatred in my heart. However, those negative feelings are very focused toward that ONE person. I don’t NEED to forgive him in order to be happy in my life. I may not have completely let go but I have moved on. I don’t allow the disdain for one person spill over into the other facets of my life. I have chosen to rise above the damage and focus on loving the people who truly mean something to me.

So, to me, forgiveness can definitely aid in guiding you through tricky waters, but it is not synonymous with being happy and having a healthy psyche. What does Forgiveness mean to you?

30 on.....

This blog was initially created out of a book idea I've mulled over for the past 7 years or so. (Read more about it here). It's pretty obvious when I started the blog it was relatively disorganized and the vision was somewhat unclear. I've slowly been making updates and changes to better align with my original ideas (which is also the reason behind the blog title). I will still post some random funny things, as well as Wednesday Rants. However you may notice more consistency and a slightly more serious tone to the writings. I hope you enjoy them as much as the other posts. And of course I always encourage your opinions in the comments section. I sincerely appreciate all the support you've all given me thus far. It truly means the world to me.

-Heather

Wednesday Rants: People who piss of Muslims

Okay, so I've gone missing the past two weeks. And my grad school app still isn't quite complete... forgive me for the not so timeliest of topics. Nonetheless, it is still important.

Dear Mr. I'm-going-to-make-a-video-that'll-piss-off-2.2 billion people,
WTF man? I mean really?? Thanks a lot from the rest of us Americans who have to face your consequences.

I get that part of this is an issue in free speech. I believe we do have the right to free speech, even if our opinion isn't necessarily popular. Political Correctness in our country can be a little overdone sometimes. That being said we are also obligated to exercise our rights and freedoms responsibly. We should think about what implications our expression of rights may have on the rest of our society. I get that you might dislike the Islamic religion, or hate the Muslim people (for whatever convoluted reasons you may have). But when you intentionally do something that essentially attacks the core values of nearly 1/3 of the world's population, you have to expect that someone other than yourself might experience the consequences of your actions. In this case, a man who was entrusted with representing this country in an already volatile area lost his life... because one man who had the 'freedom' and 'right' to make an insulting, ignorant video was too selfish to consider that possibility. So many people in the Middle East, Muslim or otherwise, already hate Americans. Was it really necessary to fuel that fire just because you could?

This guys isn't the only one on my list for this reason. His story was just the loudest. Let's not forget the man who shot up a Sheik Temple (having mistook it for an Islamic one) in Wisconsin a few short months ago. The fact that he couldn't take 10 minutes to do a little research is truly beside the point.
And of course just after video guy someone in Europe published a newspaper cartoon displaying Muhammad as an image (rather than a symbol which is against Islamic rule). It's so unnecessary, and quite frankly an abuse of the very rights that we fight for.

Wednesday Rants: End of Summer

This was supposed to be out yesterday. However, I decided to snuggle a sick baby boy instead of post. Sorry.

I love summer. I enjoy going to the beach or pool.  I love the Dude’s new found enthusiasm for his smoker. There’s something uplifting and liberating about summer. If nothing else, it always reminds you of being a kid and the freedom of being out of school.

I also love fall. I love the crisp air, wearing jeans and sweatshirts, and fall baking. I am thankful for the reprieve from humidity that allows me to increase the thermostat to 74 without melting everyone. I especially love that the boys can play outside for more than 5 minutes at a time.

What I hate is the transition period. It generally starts just after Labor Day and can sometimes last for a few weeks. My distaste for this particular time frame stems from a few sources. First of all, Mother Nature can’t make up her mind… it’s chilly, jacket worthy weather in the morning and warm enough for shorts by the afternoon. Mind you, this makes little difference to me since my office is sub-zero all ALL YEAR LONG. But what the heck do I dress the children in? They each own a few pair of those light weight warm up/track pants so they’ve worn them a few days this week with short sleeves and a jacket in the morning. I refuse to do laundry during the week so I when they are out of light pants I guess we’ll have to decide if it’ll be cool enough for jeans or warm enough for shorts.

I also hate the effect the changing weather has on their poor little immune system. The first DAY the temperature dropped poor D2 woke up with a hoarse voice and cough. Then of course B-dubs start to get it. And B-dubs doesn’t do sick very quietly. He woke up at least 3 times on Tuesday night coughing and hurting. Then on Wednesday he was very fussy and weepy, and coughing horribly, and had a temperature. So he got sent home from school. Of course this happens during the week that the Dude is training out of town for work and not at his office 10 minutes from preschool. The poor bubby had to wait 35+ minutes for me to get there from my office.

Speaking of my commute… one other thing I hate about summer ending is the TRAFFIC! Apparently EVEYRONE decides that after Labor Day they’d better stop taking vacations and actually go to work. I swear on the 6 lane interstate I haven’t driven over 30 MPH for three straight days. It’s hasn’t been the fault of accidents or road work either. It’s purely due to an increase in volume that is congesting my drive and making me late to work and in a foul mood. Makes me look forward to the holidays when people start slacking off at work again.

What are your favorite/least favorite things about this time of year?

Wednesday Rants: An Ignorant Phrase

I love being able to write about whatever happends to be on my mind. I enjoy being able to fluctuate from (my attempts at) wittiness to seriousness on a whim. However, as you can all attest, I struggle with writing regularly. So I thought I would try adding a little structure to my blog (we all love rules, don't we Mr. Gray?). Plus, a lot of things bug me... Thus "Wednesday Rants" was born. Why 'wednesday' you ask? Mainly because there's nothing good on TV Wednesday nights, and it's the hardest day of the week to spell and I like to challenge myself. Now stop asking questions and read on.

Wednesday Rants- "The Gays":

I recently read an article entitled 'Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies'. This was shared on Facebook by a friend (as is most of the news I read), so of course I saw only the title of the article first. I immediately had an offensive reaction to the term "The Gays".

I hate that term. It annoys me that in this day and age, after all the hard work and struggles we've overcome in the name of civil rights, that we can still say things that sound so ignorant. To me, the phrase "the gays" is implicating gay people are so fundamentally different from other humans in our society that they require their own classification. It indicates that they are merely a subset of our society rather than part of our society. It is just another way to alienate people; to seperate "us" from "them". It's really no different than "the blacks" or the ever dreaded "you people", both of which have become essentially unacceptable in our society. There's also the issue of when you generalize a whole group of people, you are gauranteed to be wrong in at least one instance.

One of the biggest flaws that we face as a country today is the race to alienate each other; to create an "us" vs. "them" mentality. We especially see this in politics (even when it's not an election year), in religion, and even in socio-economic classes. Somehow we started making our differences into dividers. We should, instead, be appreciating the differences we see in one another, and using the unique perspectives we each hold to make a better place for everyone.

Now I do have to say, I did read the article in its entirety. It was written by a gay man, and I believe he was using that particular phrase to make a point. It is still important to remember, though, that LGBT people aren't just gay/bi/transgendered. They are our brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, parents, employees. If you must address the community as a whole, how about saying "gay people". At least that attests to their humanity.