10 Things I've Learned as Mother of Boys

We all love Top 10 Lists. It's no secret, really. In fact, David Letterman has made them a part of his nightly show for YEARS. Last week while reading one of my favorite bloggesses (Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat) I was enlightened as to why we like them. (BTW if you haven't read her stuff yet, you seriously should. How can even think of resisting a blog with that name anyhow?)

So in the spirit of curing your boredom once again, I present to you:

10 Things I've Learned as a Mother of Boys

1. A dry erase marker does not 'dry erase' off the wall. Not even a wet "Magic Eraser" will do the
    trick. Nope. You have to completely paint over that shit.

2. Diaper cream is intentionally NON water soluble... that's why it works so well for its intended
    purpose. That also means when (not if) your son paints himself with it, it's damn.near.impossible.
    to wash off.

3. Latex paint, however, peels right off his sweet little body. (once it's mostly dry of course)

4. Throwing rocks is ALWAYS way more fun than the new $400 swingset  you excitedly put up in
    the backyard.

5. A Hot Wheel to the face will almost certainly result in at least one stitch.

6. Do not ask the question unless you are 100% sure you really want the answer. No matter how open
    or new age you think you are, you are NOT prepared for the real reason your 14 year old son was
    in the bathroom that long. (this one's from a friend who's boys are older than mine... she didn't
    relate the bathroom story but I am pretty sure that's what she was getting at...)

7. Poop (or any variation of the word) is funny. Get used to it. In fact, this isn't just limited to boys.
    If you've spent any amount of time around a full grown man you should know this to be true.

8. Anything can be a basketball if it fits through the hoop. Bounce doesn't really matter. Just ask the
    missing knick-knack from your mantle.

9.  When you are 3, every potential career is glamorous and exciting. Bdubs insists he will
      simultaneously be a "trash truck guy", a "police guy", a "firefighter guy", and Captain Hook
     when he grows up.

10. Their "peeps" is the.most.fascinating.thing.EVER. I still can't understand this... and I hear they
      never really grow out of that...

Hope you took something away from this. Also, I will be starting a new segment on the blog... Wednesday Rants. So be on the lookout for the first installment tomorrow.  

Brain Sabotage (Or: Why I can't seem to post regularly...)

My brain seems to be on permanent overdrive. This can be a positive to my life sometimes. It reminds me to set the DVR to record “The Real World”, knows all the lyrics to “funky cold medina”,  and generally reminds me to feed the chi’rens. So you know, all the important shit. But mostly, it’s a huge pain in the ass. It often forces me to focus on my [irrational] fears, like the Dude keeling over and leaving me to deal with TWO BOYS alone. It creates entire fictitious conversations that distract me the entire drive home from work, leaving me wondering how I even got there safely. The most frustrating thing the sneaky bastard does, though, is come up with GENIUS material for the blog at  THE.MOST.INOPPORTUNE.MOMENTS!! (like at 3:30 AM after B-dubs has awoken me for the 3^rd time and I can’t go back to sleep). And of course there is never a pen and paper handy to jot down this literary gold.

And if that’s not bad enough, the crafty lil sumbitch is also a habitual liar. Every time it creates one of those nuggets of blogspiration, it always follows up with “don’t worry.. you’ll remember that later…”.

Of course when later comes, I find myself staring into space anxiously urging begging my brain to recall any portion of its creation.

It’s a lot like a really nice date with someone who just charms the pants off you, and then waiting around for days for the phone call that never comes. 

But two can play at that game... I now have a notepad app on my phone, scrap paper in my purse, and a notebook in my nightstand. Let the Genius flow........

Ode to Allergies

ala Porgy and Bess

Summertime
and the livin' is sneezy.
Temp is risin'
The mercury's high.

My nose is stuffy
and I can't stop coughin'
Oh I just want to curl up
In my bed and die.

One of these mornings
I'm gonna wake up breathin'
Then I'll feel rested;
Get to work on time.

But until that morning
I'll keep blowin' my nose
with Puffs plus with Lotion every time.

Claratin
Don't seem to be helpin'.
One eye's watery,
The other is dry.

Head's in pain
From the sinus pressure.
I just want to curl up
In my bed and die.