Calling Customer Service: You're Doing It Wrong.

It becomes more and more apparent every day that most people lack the proper amount of common sense. This generally directly affects me only occasionally. When it comes to being at the receiving end of about 50 phone calls a day, however, I am beginning to lose all hope in humanity. So, I've decided to provide the world with some general guidelines to follow should you ever find yourself calling or emailing customer service/tech support. You're Welcome.

1. Have your account number available. This just screams OBVIOUS to me, but the sheer number of morons that call me without this handy little tidbit  proves otherwise. Depending on where you are calling, you are one of a MILLION customers. Telling me you are Linda from Smith's Company does not help me locate your account. At all.

2. Keep the attitude about verifying information to yourself.  We live in a world in which there are way to many liars and thieves. We ask you to verify information for your protection. But, if you prefer to not confirm WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE ON FILE, I'll gladly give your home phone number to the next Joe Schmo that asks for it.

3. If your mind has been temporarily inhabited by and asshole, hang up. Yes, the company sucks. So do their 'policies and procedures'. And guess what else.... the person with whom happenstance has connected you probably feels the same way you do. But it's a J.O.B. and, just as you are, they are trying to get by. The amount of jerk you are directly correlates to the mount of shit they give to your predicament... which translates into you're problem is less likely to get solved.

4. If you're in a hurry, consider calling when you're not. The average length of a service call is between 7 and 10 minutes. That doesn't include the fancy recording that answers first and asks you a million questions. If you're situation is especially complicated, it may take even longer. If you want your issue handled correctly, you need to exercise a little patience. If you're fresh out for the day, call tomorrow.

5. Please speak up. We generally wear crappy headsets that have a very limited amount of volume control. If you notice the representative asking you to repeat yourself, it is not because they are a moron. It's because you aren't speaking loudly enough, or very clearly, or both. And for the love of all that's holy, don't call while you're chasing storms or while your three year old is in the midst of an epic tantrum. One fault of technology is that the microphones on cell phones pick up background noise much better than your voice.

6. The proper way to end a phone conversation... is to wait until the other person has completed their sentence and then say Goodbye. Hell, I don't even care if you say "thank you" anymore. Just don't HANG UP ON ME while I am completing the scripted ending of my call. I know hearing "we appreciate your business" does not always sound sincere, especially since your probably the 35th person I've said it to today. But I have just done something to help you, or at the very least I've listened to you complain for 30 minutes. Return the favor. Be polite.