30 On... (Co)Parenting

     I once received possibly the best advice in my entire life. The Dude and I were about to be married. We had met with our pastor for one of those 'pre-marriage counseling' deals. Within our discussion, the pastor went into a detailed story about a couple who were no longer happy in their relationship. There wasn't any major financial strain, no shift in personalities, no infidelity. Why were they miserable? Their problem, it seemed, was that they couldn't agree on how to load the dishwasher. Yep. That's it. Well.... kinda. The dishwasher, of course, was a manifestation (most likely one of many) of their deeper problem. They each wanted needed to be right. Too much focus was given to the details of the method that no attention was paid to the end result.

     The advice I took from that story was "be solution minded". Did the dishes get washed? Then it makes no matter that the spoons were together in one compartment, or the glasses were on the bottom rack instead of the top. We often hear this same advice as "pick your battles", but I believe it goes much further than that. Being solution minded opens the door for actual discussion when big issues arise (and you know that's inevitable). If both parties are used to seeking the end result, the way you get there becomes more malleable. This bit of advice has done wonders for our marriage.

     I've taken this concept into being parents, too. I'll never forget the first time I had to remind myself of this after D2 was born. He was about 2 1/2 months old. Tiny little thing. Because he was so small (and also because I was a new mom stress case) I tried very hard to keep him on a particular eating schedule. The doctors recommended he eat every three hours. Even if he was asleep, they suggested waking him to eat until he had gained a certain amount of weight.

     This particular evening, I had gone out for dinner with some coworkers. I had only been back to work a few weeks and we had some catching up to do. The Dude graciously picked D2 up from day care at about 5:30 pm.  I arrived home from my dinner about 9:00 pm. D2 was asleep in the car seat and the Dude was watching TV.  I was FURIOUS! How dare he leave my itsy-bitsy brand new baby in that restrictive car sear when he clearly needed a diaper change and to eat EVERY 3 HOURS? The Dude (the more rational one at the time) simply stated that the baby fell asleep on the way home and was resting so peacefully. He didn't want to disturb him.

    I went to work the next day still upset. I expected to tell my story and gets lots of empathy. Instead, I got a wake up call from a dear friend (and mother of three). I think our conversation went something like:

Her: Was the baby okay? 
Me: Well, yeah. 
Her: Then don't worry about it. You know, a lot of babies have to sleep in car seats due to acid reflux. 
Me: ...... true .... 

     What I had failed to see was that the Dude truly had the best interest of our child in mind when he made the conscious decision to let him sleep. Babies need to sleep to grow, as much as they need food to grow. And a doctor's advice is sometimes just that. A parent's intuition has to trump it on occasion.

     I've tried to keep this incident in the back of my mind. He may not have changed the baby the same way I did, but the baby got changed (and I didn't have to do it!!). Maybe we heated the bottle to slightly different temperatures, but the baby still ate. And now that our boys are getting older, we can have productive decisions about what we want for them. We always start by agreeing on an end-result and then figuring out how to get there.

     I've learned to trust his parental intentions. I know that everything he does is for them, and done with the same forethought and care that I put forth for them. I sometimes think it's harder for Mom's to get to that level of trust. We often hear so much about "motherly instinct" and "women's intuition" that people often assume we've got it all together, have all the answers.

     Truth is, when it comes to parenting anyway, neither one of us knows what we're doing. We're just fortunate enough to have each other as patient partners willing to figure it out together. And when the kids are grown and gone (too many years from now...) we will be a stronger, happier couple for it all.