10 Things I've Learned as Mother of Boys

We all love Top 10 Lists. It's no secret, really. In fact, David Letterman has made them a part of his nightly show for YEARS. Last week while reading one of my favorite bloggesses (Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat) I was enlightened as to why we like them. (BTW if you haven't read her stuff yet, you seriously should. How can even think of resisting a blog with that name anyhow?)

So in the spirit of curing your boredom once again, I present to you:

10 Things I've Learned as a Mother of Boys

1. A dry erase marker does not 'dry erase' off the wall. Not even a wet "Magic Eraser" will do the
    trick. Nope. You have to completely paint over that shit.

2. Diaper cream is intentionally NON water soluble... that's why it works so well for its intended
    purpose. That also means when (not if) your son paints himself with it, it's damn.near.impossible.
    to wash off.

3. Latex paint, however, peels right off his sweet little body. (once it's mostly dry of course)

4. Throwing rocks is ALWAYS way more fun than the new $400 swingset  you excitedly put up in
    the backyard.

5. A Hot Wheel to the face will almost certainly result in at least one stitch.

6. Do not ask the question unless you are 100% sure you really want the answer. No matter how open
    or new age you think you are, you are NOT prepared for the real reason your 14 year old son was
    in the bathroom that long. (this one's from a friend who's boys are older than mine... she didn't
    relate the bathroom story but I am pretty sure that's what she was getting at...)

7. Poop (or any variation of the word) is funny. Get used to it. In fact, this isn't just limited to boys.
    If you've spent any amount of time around a full grown man you should know this to be true.

8. Anything can be a basketball if it fits through the hoop. Bounce doesn't really matter. Just ask the
    missing knick-knack from your mantle.

9.  When you are 3, every potential career is glamorous and exciting. Bdubs insists he will
      simultaneously be a "trash truck guy", a "police guy", a "firefighter guy", and Captain Hook
     when he grows up.

10. Their "peeps" is the.most.fascinating.thing.EVER. I still can't understand this... and I hear they
      never really grow out of that...

Hope you took something away from this. Also, I will be starting a new segment on the blog... Wednesday Rants. So be on the lookout for the first installment tomorrow.  

Brain Sabotage (Or: Why I can't seem to post regularly...)

My brain seems to be on permanent overdrive. This can be a positive to my life sometimes. It reminds me to set the DVR to record “The Real World”, knows all the lyrics to “funky cold medina”,  and generally reminds me to feed the chi’rens. So you know, all the important shit. But mostly, it’s a huge pain in the ass. It often forces me to focus on my [irrational] fears, like the Dude keeling over and leaving me to deal with TWO BOYS alone. It creates entire fictitious conversations that distract me the entire drive home from work, leaving me wondering how I even got there safely. The most frustrating thing the sneaky bastard does, though, is come up with GENIUS material for the blog at  THE.MOST.INOPPORTUNE.MOMENTS!! (like at 3:30 AM after B-dubs has awoken me for the 3^rd time and I can’t go back to sleep). And of course there is never a pen and paper handy to jot down this literary gold.

And if that’s not bad enough, the crafty lil sumbitch is also a habitual liar. Every time it creates one of those nuggets of blogspiration, it always follows up with “don’t worry.. you’ll remember that later…”.

Of course when later comes, I find myself staring into space anxiously urging begging my brain to recall any portion of its creation.

It’s a lot like a really nice date with someone who just charms the pants off you, and then waiting around for days for the phone call that never comes. 

But two can play at that game... I now have a notepad app on my phone, scrap paper in my purse, and a notebook in my nightstand. Let the Genius flow........

Ode to Allergies

ala Porgy and Bess

Summertime
and the livin' is sneezy.
Temp is risin'
The mercury's high.

My nose is stuffy
and I can't stop coughin'
Oh I just want to curl up
In my bed and die.

One of these mornings
I'm gonna wake up breathin'
Then I'll feel rested;
Get to work on time.

But until that morning
I'll keep blowin' my nose
with Puffs plus with Lotion every time.

Claratin
Don't seem to be helpin'.
One eye's watery,
The other is dry.

Head's in pain
From the sinus pressure.
I just want to curl up
In my bed and die.

Letter to My Boys

When each of my boys turned one, in lieu of gifts we asked our friends and family to donate an interesting item to a time capsule that they will open on their 16th birthday. I intending on contributing a letter (handwritten of course) to say how special they each are to me, and lay out my hopes and dreams for them. Well, until now there was nary a letter to be seen. Every time I thought about what to write, it just didn't feel right. The sentences always started "I hope you..." or "I want you..." and I would immediately think about the expectations I am putting on them. There is no way to know what life will bring. What happens if they opened that letter at 16 that said "I hope you always do well in school" but they just failed their second semester of Algebra. The other day I began thinking about what I really hope for them, beyond the superficial; the things that really matter in this world aren't report cards or home runs. They aren't accomplishments, but ways of being, and I have a vital responsibility in creating the environment those "ways of being" can flourish within. Finally I have my letter to my boys.

Dear M & B,

I hope I have taught you that it’s okay to always be yourself; you have the right to express yourself freely without fear of judgment. I hope I’ve nurtured your confidence enough to weather what judgment may come, and the wisdom to value the opinions of those who love you above those who judge. I hope I’ve modeled tolerance and that my example has showed you how to embrace differences and respect all people. I hope I’ve passed along the importance of doing the right thing (even when it’s hard and unpopular), standing up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. I hope I’ve taught you compassion for those in need, and above all else to love unconditionally. I hope I’ve shown you that although this world is never fair and often disappoints, there is always a reason to be grateful. Most of all, I hope I’ve filled your heart with love and kindness and mercy. 

Love, 

Mom

Calling Customer Service: You're Doing It Wrong.

It becomes more and more apparent every day that most people lack the proper amount of common sense. This generally directly affects me only occasionally. When it comes to being at the receiving end of about 50 phone calls a day, however, I am beginning to lose all hope in humanity. So, I've decided to provide the world with some general guidelines to follow should you ever find yourself calling or emailing customer service/tech support. You're Welcome.

1. Have your account number available. This just screams OBVIOUS to me, but the sheer number of morons that call me without this handy little tidbit  proves otherwise. Depending on where you are calling, you are one of a MILLION customers. Telling me you are Linda from Smith's Company does not help me locate your account. At all.

2. Keep the attitude about verifying information to yourself.  We live in a world in which there are way to many liars and thieves. We ask you to verify information for your protection. But, if you prefer to not confirm WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE ON FILE, I'll gladly give your home phone number to the next Joe Schmo that asks for it.

3. If your mind has been temporarily inhabited by and asshole, hang up. Yes, the company sucks. So do their 'policies and procedures'. And guess what else.... the person with whom happenstance has connected you probably feels the same way you do. But it's a J.O.B. and, just as you are, they are trying to get by. The amount of jerk you are directly correlates to the mount of shit they give to your predicament... which translates into you're problem is less likely to get solved.

4. If you're in a hurry, consider calling when you're not. The average length of a service call is between 7 and 10 minutes. That doesn't include the fancy recording that answers first and asks you a million questions. If you're situation is especially complicated, it may take even longer. If you want your issue handled correctly, you need to exercise a little patience. If you're fresh out for the day, call tomorrow.

5. Please speak up. We generally wear crappy headsets that have a very limited amount of volume control. If you notice the representative asking you to repeat yourself, it is not because they are a moron. It's because you aren't speaking loudly enough, or very clearly, or both. And for the love of all that's holy, don't call while you're chasing storms or while your three year old is in the midst of an epic tantrum. One fault of technology is that the microphones on cell phones pick up background noise much better than your voice.

6. The proper way to end a phone conversation... is to wait until the other person has completed their sentence and then say Goodbye. Hell, I don't even care if you say "thank you" anymore. Just don't HANG UP ON ME while I am completing the scripted ending of my call. I know hearing "we appreciate your business" does not always sound sincere, especially since your probably the 35th person I've said it to today. But I have just done something to help you, or at the very least I've listened to you complain for 30 minutes. Return the favor. Be polite.

My Kids Are Cuter Than Your Kids

Let me just get this out in the open. Just because I have children does not automatically bond us in friendship, or even acquaintanceship. More importantly, the display of photos of my kids on my desk is not an invitation to show me pictures of yours.

See, my kids are freaking cute. They may very well be the cutest, most adorable micro-humans on the face of the earth. They both have heart-warming smiles and twinkly little angel eyes. Their sweet little faces are just perfect. I keep their images at my desk because they bring me a little bit of joy and calm during my day of dealing with idiots. My shrine to these amazing little specimens is not to incite conversation from you. You may very well earn brownie points by complimenting my little guys. However, the second you pull out your phone (because who carries photos in their wallet anymore?) those points instantly disappear. Along with my respect. If I WANTED to see your heathens, I'd troll your desk... or Face Book page. But I don't. Because my kids are cuter than your kids.

Sometimes Life Gets in the Way

I know, I know… It’s been too long since I’ve graced the public with my wit and wisdom. I realize my legions of fans (**ahem** the three of you) must be disappointed and bored with not have any new posts to read. I could rattle off a slew of excuses, but let’s be honest, I don’t have time for all that… and you wouldn’t believe it anyway. Instead, allow me to humbly apologize and let’s just move on already.

Over the past few months I have been on an organizing/purging binge. (In other words, getting rid of a bunch of shit). I’ve gotten a lot of inspiration from Pinterest (the world’s SINGLE GREATEST invention amirite?) I’ve organized my pantry, kitchen drawers and cabinets, my craft room, and the holy mess of ‘stuff’ under my bathroom sink. I’ve gotten rid of about 2 years  worth of boy clothes and have a large amount of rarely (or never) touched toys ready to be donated.

In addition I’ve also attempted to organize my life. I’ve been trying to make exercise a higher priority. (And by priority I mean actually do some form of exercise once in a while.) I plan to set aside one night a week and maybe some weekend time to crafting, and one night a week to write. This should be pretty easy during the summer, but once Prime Time TV starts back up, I can make no guarantees. Nonetheless you may now rejoice at the prospect of more posts. J

Keep an eye out for some projects to be posted under “crafty things” too.