30 on ... Forgiveness

Forgiveness is such an intriguing concept to me. On the surface it seems relatively simple. Most people have a general idea of what the word means. I think the notion, though, is so much more dynamic than its common definition. Its meaning shifts and molds to the need of the person.

One repeated explanation I’ve heard (generally coming from a Dr. Drew or Oprah type) is that forgiveness is essential to letting go of painful or toxic emotions, and is almost solely for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving. It is NOT forgetting; it is NOT about assisting the other person clear their conscience or letting them ‘off the hook’. It IS a mechanism to allow you to move on with your life.

While I don’t entirely disagree, there are some fundamental differences in my definition of forgiveness. I do agree that it can help you move forward and let go of the past. But to me, forgiveness is about moving forward with more of a purpose; it says that your relationship with someone (past, present, and/or future) is worth more than their past transgressions. It IS intended to help absolve guilt that someone may harbor. Sometimes forgiveness comes as a byproduct of accepting your own responsibility in a situation. And, I believe, to be forgiven you have to show some sense of regret.

I have forgiven many people in my life, for small things and grand ones. I have forgiven both parents (for very different things) because being in my life, and my children’s lives, is much more important than anything they did or didn’t do in the past. I’ve forgiven a dear friend (and myself) for a falling out we had that caused some distance between us for a while because our history together is more valuable than one disagreement. The whole as our friendship is much more than one hiccup. I have even forgiven an ex- not because a current or future relationship depends on it, but because I have been able to assess the situation with some distance, accept my culpability, and realize reasons that we were both wrong.  All of this was for the sake of ‘moving on’ and/or strengthening my relationship with that person.

But not everyone is deserving of forgiveness. When I was young I was the victim of a series of traumatic events at the hands of one specific person. I will NEVER be able to forgive this person. Ever. The damage that was done is just far too great. He’s never been held accountable or shown an ounce of remorse. But even if he had, it wouldn’t matter. I do carry some resentment and even hatred in my heart. However, those negative feelings are very focused toward that ONE person. I don’t NEED to forgive him in order to be happy in my life. I may not have completely let go but I have moved on. I don’t allow the disdain for one person spill over into the other facets of my life. I have chosen to rise above the damage and focus on loving the people who truly mean something to me.

So, to me, forgiveness can definitely aid in guiding you through tricky waters, but it is not synonymous with being happy and having a healthy psyche. What does Forgiveness mean to you?